Blog #christian testimonies

Jeremiah James

Founder of United To Revive Ministries and the Truth B Told Podcast

These are Jeremiah's favorite scriptures...

Can you share your testimony and how God began to put United to Revive Ministries and the Truth B Told YouTube channel on your heart? 

Yeah, absolutely. I was a high school science teacher for nine years before any of this happened. But when I was 17 years old, I encountered Jesus by His Spirit in a very real and experiential way, and I sought Him with all my heart, confessed my sins, confessed my belief in Him, and decided to live for Him. He radically transformed my life by becoming an experience in my heart and in my life. A lot of people can look at church, the Bible, and hear sermons and think it's just all head knowledge. And it's for another time you die, and then you experience heaven. But I'll tell you what, when I was 17 years old, the Lord poured heaven upon my life through the Holy Spirit. And because of that experience, I believe everything has taken place because of it. But truly, I mean, my path through college, early life, marriage, and as a teacher, I just grew in my calling as I read the Word, as I spent time in prayer, and began to ask the Lord to use my life. 

And so I want to encourage anybody listening that, regardless of what I've done or even what Dawn-Marie has done, it really starts in prayer. It really begins by asking Him — He will speak to you and change your life. So, with United to Revive, I was the Fellowship of Christian Athletes huddle coach here in a small town called Bunker Hill, Illinois, while coaching and teaching. And during the whole COVID epidemic and all the things that were going on with COVID, I really felt in my heart that there are so many students who were masked and no one was allowed to be near anyone. And after school, they're told that, basically, if you hang out with one another, you're bad and you're wanting to hurt people, because socializing with others in a time when it’s dangerous. And even if you don't have symptoms of COVID, you still probably have COVID anyway. So you can't be around any person. I was listening to a podcast on our way back from Atlanta about how we are seeing rises in depression, anxiety, suicide, and thoughts of suicide, and they're linking it to this isolation experience that we put students through. Oh my goodness. It broke my heart, and more students were hospitalized; they weren't coming to school, and I was noticing cuts on their arms, cuts on their legs, you know, people were just lost and sad because of what was going on. And it broke my heart. 

So during this time, I just began praying, seeking the heart of God, and asking Him, "What can I do?" In that moment, I was crying intensely in prayer with my face on the ground. And I'm just asking God, "What can we do? You know, I will do whatever it takes to be a witness in these dark times for these students." And instantly, He asked me to open up my house. It was very, very noticeable, His voice at this time. The first person I called was someone with whom I've done ministry in the past. She was all about it and said, "Let's go!" You've got to remember that during this time, if you're open, especially as a science teacher in a small town, you know, if you were to hear, "Hey, the science teacher and FCA coach is opening up their houses for youth when everyone else is told to stay home," there are no open churches, and no youth groups going on. Can you imagine the kind of criticism that I could face in that moment, but I didn't care. I didn't care. And then, in the first week, we had 25 students show up, and the following week and the weeks to come, we never had fewer than 30. It’s incredible what we witnessed: even that small group of 30 students — every one of them received Christ after the first four weeks — and it just kept growing and spreading. We never had any “super spreader” events or whatever you want to call them—No one got sick, and nothing like that happened. But the gospel was proclaimed, and we're still here.

I’m going to jump forward because there’s a lot to this. I think we did this for about 1.5 to 2 years, but around this time, we got plugged into a church that saw what we were doing because we were also serving. I love to serve. Half of my testimony is just me serving and loving on people. We are made to grow and serve. We grow in our relationship with God, and then we use that to love others and point them to Jesus. But I got plugged into a church. I never thought I would be a pastor, but I got asked to be a youth pastor at a church. I said no at first because I would consider myself an evangelist more than a pastor. But I accepted the call. And, you know, within a year, the church started doing park services. They asked me to preach. That’s where I learned how to organize bigger events out in parks. I was knocking on doors. We’re praying for people. We’re inviting them back. We fed every person. At these park services, many people experienced salvation and baptism, and these events transformed their lives. Shout-out to Restoring Hope Church of God in Wood River for taking me along on this journey, because I know God used them to get me to where I am today. So around this time, I started feeling like I needed to quit my job. The Lord was literally telling me to leave my teaching career because I’m spending all my time talking about ionic bonds, covalent bonds, vectors, velocities — you know, all these great things. But I want to talk about Jesus. You know, like, we can talk all day about this science, but whenever you’re struggling at home and you have no one to go to, whenever you’re struggling.

For instance, we had a girl call us at 11:30 pm. She cut herself so badly, and she was bleeding out, and she wanted us to take her to the hospital. Do you know why? Because her dad was drunk on the couch, passed out, and she couldn’t wake him up. And even if she did, that wouldn’t be a safe ride to the hospital. So we took her to the hospital. And that’s again, a whole other story. I just felt this pull from the Lord. It really feels like a fire I want to get out of and share the truth. I desire to speak about Jesus in a real way—someone who transforms lives and sets people free. And so I told my wife, and we prayed on it for over a year. And man, there was one time in a meeting at school at Bunker Hill High School here in Illinois, I remember sitting in this meeting and, you know, they’re trying to figure out all these issues with students. And they’re talking about programs, social work, more counseling, obviously more medication, more this, and more that. I’m like, it’s just empty. I know what they needed to drink from the well of living water—these students needed their Savior and a release from bondage. And although I love our teachers and what they’re trying to do—I’m not saying that’s bad—personally, it was my time to leave. So I went home. I told my wife, and honestly, no plan at all; I did not know any of this was going to happen. I quit my job, and when you leave your job in faith, you’d better be praying and believing that God will use your life.

There are a lot of people and coincidences involved in this story; that’s not coincidences. I remember being with my wife at her work one day, and in my mind, I thought I would start a ministry called Truth B Told. And I thought that was going to be an in-person ministry, where I would go from church to church and hold revival meetings and preach the gospel. I want to see people saved. I want to see the church revived. But God had other plans. So I was with my wife one day at her work, writing sermons, preparing my heart and my mind, and studying. And I get a phone call from a businessperson I had never met before, out of nowhere—and to this day, I don’t know how he got my phone number. So he called me, introduced himself, and said, “I heard about what we were doing at the park and wanted to talk about starting a tent ministry.” And I was like, “Okay, Lord, what are you saying here? Is this from you?” I had never been to a tent meeting or to a large tent or tent revival in my life. But I think that if you’re following God’s will, you must be able to see and hear what he’s leading you to. And so I started praying and discerning. Well, watch this. I had a breakfast meeting with the one person I spoke with as a mentor before I quit my job, after this conversation with the business owner about a tent meeting. And I looked at him and I said, “Tom, I’ve got a phone call from a businessperson in town about starting a tent ministry, and I’m discerning if this is from the Lord. I believe it is, and I asked him to pray with me about this.” And he literally looks me in the eye, and he says, “Jeremiah, I have a 40 by 80 tent sitting right now in my warehouse, not being used, and it’s yours. You can have it.” We started crying, you know, because in that moment, it was like the atmosphere around us changed, and we felt God was present in a very, very real way. It was like God joined us on this mission. Tom had a tent. God gave me this vision. And that’s when United To Revive was born.

I want to speak on the fact that it’s called United To Revive, not Jeremiah James, not Jeremiah James Ministry, not JeremiahJames.org, and not seek Jeremiah James because of whatever—this is about all of us. We have over 100 volunteers now, as young as 15 and as old and wise as 91, from different backgrounds and denominations, and we’ve been all over the region—it’s all of us together as one. John 17:20-23 says… “I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe that You sent Me. And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one: I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You have sent Me, and have loved them as You have loved Me.”

It’s this Scripture that we named the ministry United To Revive. Before we formed United To Revive, I saw this in prayer. It was just like the prayer in my prayer closet, but this was a prayer on my back deck. I’ve had two visions in the last five years, and the first one led to the youth starting in the basement, which led me to here. But the other one was the vision that we believe we’re on this mission to fulfill this prayer. My friend, you are reading a prayer from Jesus. This is a prayer from Him. And He’s praying for us to fulfill something that only we can, and when I look at the world, I see it not being fulfilled. I see the enemy winning because he has created so much division in the church amongst denominations—denominations that preach Christ. Still, they don’t want to unify on Him because they want power. They want control. They want the spotlight. They want tithing. They want money. They believe that their sheep are their sheep and not His sheep. And so they’re afraid that they’re going to lose their sheep to somebody else—it’s mudslinging, and it’s not good. But Jesus prayed for us to be one. May they be one as we are one. You know, He’s speaking to the Father. He says that they may all be one as your Father is in me and I in you, that they also may be one in us. 

This is spiritual. This is deep. This is why, later, if we get into it, I speak a lot about meditating on Scripture, slowing down your thoughts, and going into your heart to listen to God, because He calls us to be one with Him. I want to be one with my Father. And there’s only one way to be one with Him. It’s through Jesus Christ. We have access to the Father through Christ.

It’s been a wild three years. But it’s not because of me. We have been in prayer for three and a half years every Monday. Like I said, with different denominations, backgrounds, and ages, we have been praying as one. We take communion every single Monday, and we seek the face of God in actual prayer. I don’t stand up, give a sermon, and then pray for everybody. We all pray. Everyone has a voice. If the Lord gives you a scripture, we read it. If he gives you a prayer, you pray it. And we’re praying for this region with precision and focus. Faith is coming alive. Churches are on board, and we’ve had about 150 meetings and 200 prayer meetings in the last 3 years across 11 local cities.

So that means that we’ve gone into a city and we’ve hosted large-scale, massive tent revivals where hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people gather from all walks of life to hear the gospel and to see Jesus lifted high. We had hundreds of volunteers from every denomination and background, and I’m so thankful for them, who came from a 50-mile radius across this entire region. It is so fun! We fed 6,250 people free food and a free dinner. That doesn’t include our homeless outreach. If you show up at one of our events, we’ll make sure you eat, and you don’t have to pay for anything. We’ve reached over 10,000 people in person with the gospel. Also, we have seen many hundreds of people give their lives to Christ, get baptized, and rededicate their lives. Now, I don’t count numbers. We try to get people plugged into a church afterwards. Jesus called us to make disciples, not converts. It’s challenging, but we pray that the Holy Spirit will lead different people, such as pastors, who join our events. If you belong to a church, invite someone to church. We need to do this naturally, because if you try to make it feel like a program, it just comes across as rigid and unnatural. We get salvation commitment cards from people, and every person receives a birth certificate when they get baptized.

We’ve reached many people in this region, and we are seeing church growth throughout the region. Many churches are actually growing in numbers, and pastors are being lit on fire for Jesus. We have one pastor who came out of depression. No one knew it except his wife, but he was in full-blown depression. But whenever we came into town, we locked arms because we’re here for each other. It’s so good. This pastor then wrote me a letter about how, when we went out on the street and started serving the homeless, and then we went through the tent revival, it literally lit a fire in him that he had not felt in 5 to 10 years. 

We’ve had two ministries that have started or been born out of this one, and they are on the ground now, serving the homeless multiple days a week and helping get homeless people off the streets—should they choose that path—by feeding them and loving them. And seeing other people like me and you being used by God, just regular people. You’re talking to people who go to work and are nurses, teachers, accountants, lawyers, and go on the street. They learn how to serve and love those that, unfortunately, society and even the church sometimes reject, but when you begin to love your neighbor, like Jesus told us to, you come alive; your faith, your life, and everything become so much stronger and more fulfilling because you’re doing what He told us to do, which is to love. And that’s what we do, and I love bringing people into those circumstances to do things they’re not used to doing, or maybe they’re afraid to do, because once you break that fear barrier in faith, like I said, you come alive. 

I want to share a testimony of someone whose life was changed and give you an idea that you don’t know what’s going to happen—you walk in faith and trust God. Before we did our big Alton tent revival this year, we were on the streets ahead of time, feeding people. Some would donate food to us, and we would bring it to the homeless and meet them where they are. One particular one that really stands out is when we went to a person who was sitting next to a gas station outside a bar, and we asked them, “Hey, do you want some food? We had hamburgers there, and they responded, “Oh yeah, yeah.” And he then asked, “Are you with the church? And we’re like, “Well, kinda. We don’t all go to the same church.” There was a group of us, and we shared Jesus with them and prayed for them. And then when we invited them to the tent revival, well, one of them came, and his name was Michael. The first few days, he was outside the tent. He had a knife on his staff, wore necklaces with cult symbols, and had tattoos all over his face; he was also addicted to meth. Many brothers and sisters were loving on this person—love will break down barriers. A couple of people in love said something to him about the necklaces, and he became convicted because they had cult symbols on them. By night three, he ripped those suckers off and threw them right into the river. And then, before long, he was in the tent and worshiping the Lord. He decided that he wanted to travel with us to our next stop in Kampsville, Illinois, on the Illinois River. It’s a town of about  200 people, and he camps out with us. He was there the first night, and he gave his heart to Christ. But what I didn’t know at the time was that he brought some meth and needles with him to the tent revival. The Lord convicted him the next morning. I was in my trailer after we had just finished this excellent time in the Bible and the Word, and we were camping at this spot on the Illinois River. He knocks on my door, and he hands me a bag with his meth and a syringe. And he says, “I’m done. “I’m done!”—he completely gave it up and surrendered everything to the Lord. That’s repentance and confession. I didn’t judge him or scold him for bringing it—nothing like that. I hugged him. We cried, we prayed, and then I brought him outside, and more of us prayed for him, and we were celebrating. And Michael got baptized that night—he’s no longer homeless, has a job and a license, and is entirely different. No more meth. He’s on fire for the Holy Spirit. Jesus went for the one, and he brought him home.

We also know of men who used to call themselves female names, but no longer do. They no longer want to live that lifestyle —they want to date a woman, not be one. Alcoholics are sober now. Meth addicts are no longer meth addicts. People are getting off the streets. Families are now restored. We're talking about brothers and sisters who haven't spoken for years and are now restored to one another. I want to repeat it–This is not because of Jeremiah James—This is because of the unity of believers—This is what happens when we lay down our pride. We wash each other's feet, humble ourselves for one another, and allow God to use us as individuals. He will make it happen. 

We are to humble ourselves and make Him known. How can we do that? Not everyone is gifted in evangelism, so how can we show His love in our everyday lives or learn to evangelize? 

Well, there's a fun little quote by C.S. Lewis that says, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less”. We need to stop thinking about ourselves so much and think more about God, our Savior, and believe in Him and what He wants to do in our lives. And so, how do we do that? The first thing is we have to let the Word of God dwell in us richly. We need to know what the Word actually says about us—it says some amazing things about you whenever you come to Christ and become a new believer. If you're not a Christian right now, I'm telling you that you’re never gonna find satisfaction in this world, no matter what you do. No matter how many people you date, you get married, have kids, take the drugs, get the career, make the money, you will always want more. I know there are also Christians out there who are Christians, and they're not fulfilled. It's because you're not living out the life that you've been called to do. You don't know who you are yet. Learn and come to know what the Word of God says about you. 

Jeremiah shares some scriptures that teach us who we are in Christ and our purpose.  It’s important to know who you are in Christ, your purpose, and gifts to give Him glory and make disciples. 

How did Truth B Told come to be? 

I felt a pull from God to start this YouTube channel, Truth B Told. We started this channel with me just sitting on the couch interviewing regular people who came on the podcast, sharing their testimonies, so people can be encouraged and inspired, no matter where they are in their lives, to realize that it may feel hopeless now, but when God comes into your life, He can turn everything around. He uses what we go through for good and gives us a new direction. Lots of people prayed to unite, and that’s exactly what I was praying for. At first, I didn't know anything about YouTube. Honestly, I didn't even want to get on YouTube. I don't like being in the spotlight, but I think God will send someone else if you don't. You're in sin because you're disobeying God, or someone's going to do it that has wrong motives, someone who's going to be doing it that's really just trying to build a platform in the name of God, but they want to lift themselves. So I would rather see more genuine Christians out there who speak about Jesus and see what He does, because in my case, I had no idea we were going to be at 227,000 subscribers at the time of our broadcast interview—it's really just blown up in the last six months or so. 

I want to speak about the importance of rest because we're so zealous for good works. We want to please God and live out this calling, but so many of us forget to rest. It's in these times of rest that God will not only strengthen you, but He'll speak to you and give you vision. It was in that time of rest that the Lord told me to start making videos to share world events and talk about Him, so I started praying about it, and then, you know, the next thing was that things started showing up in my path. I started learning here and there and making the videos I do today with a biblical worldview. I want to be honest, talk about my love for Him, and inspire people to read the Bible, pray, and be the Christians and children of God that God wants them to be. 

What's the importance of Christians having a biblical worldview, being good Bereans, and having discernment, especially in the times we are in? 

One of the most significant questions anyone could ever ask is the same one Pontius Pilate asked Jesus before He was crucified. And it's the question, what is the truth? What is the truth? And so I've been on a quest personally to seek that out. I have degrees in biology and chemistry, was a high school science teacher, and I desire to know the truth. Jesus said, "I am the truth." So I believe that if you're an honest seeker of truth in this world, it will ultimately lead you to Jesus of Nazareth—not the person of religion, not the person your church talks about, but the real historical person who literally walked 2000 years ago, named Jesus of Nazareth. All roads will eventually point to Him if you are honestly seeking the truth. So when it comes to a biblical worldview, it was satisfied in my mind when I started looking at science. When I started looking at the tough questions about where the universe comes from? How did the Earth form? How did people get here? Is evolution true? I just started asking all of these questions in my mind, and reading and seeking like crazy. I didn't even used to like reading, but once I started getting into this, I was like, "Man, I love reading." And so I was reading different authors and philosophers, and I started forming this biblical worldview that shows me that, yeah, Jesus is the real deal. He is who He said He was, He did what He said He would do, and He's coming back. Also, we have to get into the Word and discern, but man, don't be afraid to question; don't be scared to look into this, because the world is way more mysterious than meets the eye. We need to recognize that there's an enemy. A cosmic struggle has been going on since we rebelled against God by eating from the tree of life. Once we did that, sin entered the world, infecting our thoughts, emotions, and desires. And so now we're infected, but we also have this evil liar that is behind the scenes. Satan is not in hell, right? He's not hanging out in hell with a pitchfork waiting for people—No, he's on the earth literally now. And the Bible says that he goes throughout the earth, and puts the kings together to battle against the Lord and His anointed. We are in a cosmic spiritual war that actually exists right now. And if you finally take the Bible and look at it through the right lens—like, it's not separate from this world, but it is the world — it teaches about the world. It will make everything you see make sense. I don't get into politics. You won't get me to really get into politics unless the Lord calls me to do something in that realm, but like, I don't need to. This supersedes politics. A liar is pulling the strings of it all. And that's why you're never going to see unity in politics. You're never going to see anything good happen out of all this in the truest sense, because there's an enemy that's gathering the world's forces for a day of battle with the Antichrist and the false prophet. So, you know, you have sin, and then you have the world. That attacks our flesh and makes us want to rebel against God—all these things that rebel against God. And then you have the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly realms, as spoken of in Ephesians 6, chapter 12. So, when you realize you have an enemy and that you need saving, it'll always point you to Jesus. We need Jesus. We need Him. He's the only one who conquered the grave. He's the only one who has authority over satan, and He's handed it to us, His church, and that's why we need to wake up and see this for what it really is—a cosmic war—and He's called us to join it. So, a biblical worldview is the only worldview to have. Test everything by scripture. Don't even listen to me. Look at these things in the scripture for yourself, and the Holy Spirit will teach you as you submit. 

Jeremiah shares some more scripture, and that we're all on a mission to make Jesus known so that everyone can believe. 

Is there one more piece of encouragement you can give? 

Many people have lost faith and hope, and they're having a hard time finding a solid biblical church. These days, I believe the Lord is calling back again what I've been calling the faithful no-names. Think about who Jesus originally called: regular people, not skilled in theology, not the Pharisees. He didn't call them. He called regular people. I know and believe that He's doing the same thing literally right now. The days are short. Many people are claiming that they're this or they're that. Prophets and false prophets are rising up. There are signs in the sky. The climate is crazy. There's all this tension and division worldwide. We have the rise of AI, all these different things, but we're not to fear. Be encouraged.He's coming back for us, and it's going to be better than ever. But He's called the faithful no-names to take their place and know who they are in Him. I want to encourage everybody: just because you're not known, just because you don't have a platform, doesn't mean you're not important. Live your life for an audience of one. Seek Him first. He loves you! He gave His life for you. And if you've been reading this, know He's giving you a new identity and a purpose—not to walk in weakness, but in absolute power, supernatural power through the Holy Spirit—to be His witness. John the Baptist said, “He must increase, but I must decrease.” The more you let go and let your flesh be crucified and know that you’re not doing this on your own, you trust the Lord. Wow. Now you're walking in a new way. Oh my goodness gracious. God will do it — trust Him — seek Him; ask, and you'll find.

Jeremiah's Ministry Site & Social Media Platforms

United To Revive Ministries YouTube Channel

United To Revive Facebook

United To Revive Instagram

Truth B Told YouTube Channel

Truth B Told Facebook 

Jeremiah James Instagram

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VictoryEmbraced: Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Tom Snow

Founder of the Just to Be Clear Teaching Series, author of The Daily Stand and Set the Captives Free, engineer, inventor, entrepreneur, fisherman, husband, father of five, and grandfather of eight.

 These are Tom's favorite scriptures...

About 50 years ago, you were diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Can you take us back to that season of your life? What was going on? Was it at the same time that you lost your mom, too? 

Yes, this is all involved. This is in the mid-to-late 1960s. And I will make it a little shorter than usual. If I were to tell you the entire story of what happened here, it was both challenging and wonderful when God intervened. This part of my testimony is chapter one of the first book. But in the late 60s, I was a teenager in high school. God gifted me with a good brain, and I loved math and science. I also had an ego, and the way to have my father’s approval was to be an engineer and excel in math and science. My two older brothers didn’t care, but I managed to get his attention. My father didn’t fish or play ball, which I wanted to do. He just wanted to do math and science, and I knew trigonometry by the time I was in the sixth grade; I would sit at the table and learn from my father. I was winning state science fairs in junior high and high school, and one year, I wanted to create a new invention. Manufacturers used asbestos to make car brakes from the time cars were invented, likely until the 1970s and 1980s, because it could withstand high temperatures. Medical studies revealed the dangers of asbestos and the lung diseases that caused cancer and heart disease, but people were mostly unaware of this. It wasn’t like nowadays when we have a ceiling tile break and we go in a hazmat suit because there might be one fiber of asbestos. Well, I did some research; back then, there wasn’t the internet, so I went to the library. My studies revealed that brake shoes worldwide released 60 million tons of asbestos dust into the air annually. Think about that. We worry about one little fiber, and yet here we are, breathing it in and out, wondering why the world has so much sickness. This is one reason I wanted to create an invention to help address that issue. Ego was involved, but I wanted to create an invention to prove to my father what I could do. 

So, I built a device designed to encapsulate every brake system of each wheel. And as you drove down the road, the wind would blow through it, capture it, and put it into a bag in the back that you could dispose of. There was a good intention, but to create the invention, I collected asbestos dust by going to the brake shops, where they had brake dust lying all over the floor. Piles and piles of it because nobody worried about asbestos back then. I would get bags and bags of it, and they would let me sweep it up, bring it home, put it into my invention in the basement, and let it run through the system because you can’t blow it like sawdust; it doesn’t weigh the same. It was heavy and dense because I needed to prove that the wind in my invention could pick it all up and put it in the bag. Initially, it’s not completely sealed, and mounds of dust are flying through the air. Not safe. God gave me brains, but I didn’t have common sense, at least not when I was a teenager. And I already knew the problem with asbestos, even though it wasn’t popular, so I created this invention. My mother, father, and I were the only ones living at home at the time because my two older brothers were away in college and the military, and my parents worked long hours. My mother was the only source of love for me and was my cheerleader. She would come down to the basement with mounds of asbestos dust flying and cheer me on as a good mother would. Fathers in that day were really tough—he disciplined with the belt and the fist. He belonged to a different generation. You didn’t want to be on his bad side.  The following year, I won my state science fair—big deal. And the year following that, my mother got cancer that spread throughout her whole body. The double mastectomy and hysterectomy went into her lymph system, settled in her liver, and killed her. I was devastated because she was the only source of love I had, and now I didn’t care that my invention was patentable or that I won the state science fair. I don’t care about anything because I just killed my mother. That’s the guilt I was carrying as a 14- to 15-year-old boy. Nothing mattered anymore. Thankfully, my mother wasn’t afraid of dying, and she had met the Lord, and He was gracious to show me that later, after I came to know Him. One month after my mom’s passing, I noticed a rock-hard tumor in the middle of my gut that was about the size of a walnut. I knew that was cancer, and I decided I wasn’t going to tell anybody because with the guilt I had, I believed that I deserved to die.

Then, God began to give me this vision day in and day out, and it would make me understand eternity was there and that the world didn’t evolve around me, and I was going to die, and the world wasn’t going to stop when I stopped. One day, as I was sitting home alone, not knowing what to do and afraid of eternity, and hoping that God, who’s way out there, would accept me for what I did to my mother, God spoke to me audibly. It’s the only time I’ve ever heard the audible voice of God in this way. We all can hear the still, small, quiet voice that His word promises us. When He spoke, the entire room filled with sound, like it was roaring thunder, with rivers of living water flowing all around me. And yet so full of love, which dwarfed any love I’d known before. My entire body and being felt that love. His love surrounded me, and the presence of God was so fabulous. I’ve seen and felt his presence in the charismatic movement, but never to this level—it was just beyond anything you can imagine. His presence was there—the God of the universe, who I thought was out there somewhere. I didn’t know if He accepted me for how I had mistreated my mother and for all the guilt I had, but I wanted to get there. When He spoke to me at that moment, He said two things. He said, “I love you,” and "Someday, I’ll provide your perfect mate for you." Now, the first part, He has just proven with the love that surrounded me. There’s no question in the world that this was the love of God, and I was thinking, “The God of the universe took a moment out to talk to me,” and I was astounded. The second part made no sense because God didn’t get the memo that I had a tumor and was going to die—it initially was a walnut. Now it’s about the size of a softball. I thought, “God, don’t you understand? Did you miss the message? I’m out of here soon. I’m doomed to be six feet under. So someday provide a perfect mate for me—yeah, that doesn’t make any sense. No sense at all.” But let’s set that one aside. Maybe He’s been too busy taking care of the world. At the time, that’s all I can think of. Now, I know that He has every hair numbered on my head, but I didn’t know that at the moment. All I knew in that moment was that the God of the universe spoke to me. How do I reach Him? How do I get to meet the God of the universe? Because I’m leaving soon. How, how, how? 

About a month later, my brother Bruce came home from college, walked in the door, and told my father and me a story. He said that he was on an LSD trip, and he called out to the Lord, and the Lord saved him and took him down off the trip. As he tells this story, my father and I's jaws hit the ground. Now, around 1970, our upper-middle-class family didn’t joke about drugs because people considered them as taboo as anything in the world. Nothing more than an aspirin. And my father probably thought Bruce drank with his buddies in college, but that was a wink-wink because he wasn’t even going to accept that. So when Bruce told us he wouldn’t have if it were just a joke, because if my father knew or found out he was doing drugs, he would’ve beaten him within an inch of his life, Bruce took a big chance when he told us this and said that he called out to the Lord. He said that he was on an LSD trip a year prior and had flashbacks for nine months, and he was never going to do it again, but his friends talked him into it. And this time, when he began to trip, he freaked out, but he’d recently heard the gospel and called out to the Lord, and He saved him and instantly sobered him. Bruce had a star-spangled banner and a fireworks encounter with the Lord. As I was listening to his story, I was putting two and two together. The God of the universe talked to me and said He loved me. How do I reach him? And here’s my brother saying that he just reached him. So, for the next day and a half, I asked Bruce, “How do you meet the Lord?” Bruce told me the scriptures and what to do. Well, I repented. I asked the Lord to come into my life, and I didn’t feel squat. Now Bruce got the Star-Spangled Banner, and I got a zero—goose eggs—and I’m like, “I don’t understand.” Now, the scripture is true, and every man is a liar, but in this moment, the lie of the man and the little demon on the shoulder is going, “You know what? God isn’t there. And what you thought happened a month ago, I bet that was just a dream. It probably didn’t happen. There’s no God of the universe who’s going to come down and talk to you, and all of this is baloney.” Suddenly, I go from guilt and grieving my mother to having hope, and the liar of liars now dashes that hope, the God of lies, Satan, and he’s speaking in my ear, going, “That wasn’t really God.” Now, I became angry at God because it seemed like He wasn’t real—He wasn’t available—He was still the God of the universe, far away—and all of a sudden, I went into major rebellion, and I became the worst of the worst.

I left being a brainiac at school, not to do drugs, but to drink, and became a teenage alcoholic at 16 years old. I would drink a fifth of whiskey in two hours and then be proud of it. So now I’m just going to live my worst life before I die, and I would literally wake up on the other side of the road four lanes away, and then wake up, and someone would push me back four lanes to the other side. At this point in my life, I felt I deserved to die because I thought, “The God of the universe doesn’t really love me—I’m nothing good.” There are a lot of badly bruised angels, by the grace of God, who were watching over me. Don’t ever knock praying relatives. 

Eventually, I sold everything I had and persuaded my father to buy me this little motorcycle, but to do that, I had to get a job and obtain a food handler’s permit, which was the only job available to a 16-year-old in 1970. Well, to get the license, I had to go to the county clinic and get an X-ray and a blood test, and I knew that this was going to give up my secret that I’ve been holding onto for six months, and then my father would know. He doesn’t show love, but maybe he could put his arm around me and somehow comfort me. I don’t care if he doesn’t find me medical help because I thought that I deserved to die. I wanted that little motorcycle so bad, so I got the blood test and X-ray, and in a few days, I got my permit in the mail. However, while walking home, I saw my dad’s car, which was strange because he usually worked long hours. And as I came up to the door, I knew because I knew. After all, I knew he had gotten the letter that day from the county clinic showing the tumor inside my abdomen and, probably, if they did an extensive blood test, could see it coursing through my veins. When I walked in the front door, I saw my father building a fire on an 85-degree day in April. He loves fire, but you don’t need one on this day. When I saw him, he looked at me and immediately threw the letter into the fire. I have a really sarcastic side to me, and I asked him, “What are you doing? He replied, “Nothing.” I preceded by saying, “Why did you build a fire?” And he said, “I’m just burning trash.” I continued by saying, “Really? Hey, what did you throw in the fire? That looks like a letter. Was that a letter?” And my father denied it by saying, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It’s just trash.” And I’m like, “Sure you are.” I decided to back off and give him some space so he could process what was happening, as he had recently lost his wife and would soon lose his son as well. I knew I was going to die for seven months, and he just found out. 

About a week later, I come walking in from high school again, and his car and another car are in the driveway. When I walk in the house, two insurance agents are sitting in the living room with my father, and he says to me, “Tommy, come on in. Why don’t you talk to these guys?” My father was taking out a life insurance policy on me, and inside, I was burning up with anger, and I felt like hitting the roof. So I’m thinking to myself, “Are you kidding me? Now, I understand you’re grieving my mother, your wife. I understand you just found out about me, but are you kidding? No medical attention or care for me, and he’s planning to take out a fraudulent life insurance policy on me. We’re an upper-middle-class family. Maybe he needs enough to bury me? Maybe it’s a small insurance policy to help pay the costs of burying me, so I played along as he sells them this song and dance. 

Remember, I have this mind that God gave me, and I’m calculating; what am I really going to do instead of just blowing it for him here? Let me think about how I can angle this for me now. Ultimately, the insurance agents said, “Tom, we’ll need to go get a clean bill of health; have him go see his doctor and get a clean bill of health, and we can grant it.” At that point, my father jumps in, “Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Tommy’s in sports. He’s been in sports and gets a physical every year. Didn’t you take one about six months ago, Tommy?” That part was the only truth he was saying. I replied, “Yeah, I did. Well, back when I went to school, a boy’s physical consisted of their height, weight, blood pressure, and ‘turn your head and cough’—it doesn’t check you for cancer. My father continued to tell them, “Hey, I could go get a copy from Tommy’s doctor and give it to you. Would that work? They said, “Oh, okay, that’s fine,” and they granted the policy. Well, if it had only been a few thousand dollars, even no more than 10,000, whatever, it would have been one thing. But by today’s standards, it would have been worth millions. My father was going to cash in on my death. Now my anger is no longer just at God—now I’m angry at my father too. We had a decent relationship in terms of math and science and got along fine, but now I hate my father and harbor deep wrath and unforgiveness. 

I went berserk and sold everything I had. With the money, I bought an old Harley—just boxes of parts—and built it into a chopper. Not only did I start drinking, but I also began riding with motorcycle gangs. If you remember the Hell’s Angels, I rode with them. At just sixteen years old, with hair halfway down my back, grease-stained clothes, and hands constantly rebuilding that bike, I looked like a complete scuzzball. For eight months after asking the Lord into my life, I was in total turmoil. The devil had his way with me, whispering in my ear, laughing as I ran deeper into destruction.Anger and unforgiveness consumed me, becoming strongholds that pushed me downhill fast. The devil played me like a fiddle. I thought I was independent and even claimed to be a “happy agnostic,” but Jesus said, “If you’re not with Me, you’re against Me.” There’s no middle ground. The path is narrow, and I wasn’t on it.During those eight months, I kept trying to get my motorcycle running right because I had a plan: to blackmail my father. Every time I rode to the city limits, the bike broke down. It was as if an angel stood in my way with a sword, making sure I never got far. I planned to tell my father I knew about the fraudulent life insurance policy he had taken out on me and demand thousands of dollars to fund one last ride across the country. Secretly, I intended to end that ride at the Grand Canyon—driving my Harley off the edge—but God had other plans. And He gave me a praying mother.Prayer is powerful. It doesn’t always get answered when or how we want, but it is heard. My mom’s prayers, even when I felt nothing, were protecting me. I thought I had asked Christ into my life and got nothing in return, while my friend Bruce had this dramatic experience. But I didn’t realize my guilt, hate, and unforgiveness were blocking everything.One night, sitting with my biker friends, drinking cheap wine, the conversation turned—strangely—to spiritual things. I told them about Bruce, expecting laughter and scoffing, but none came. So I told them about my own attempt at asking the Lord into my life, saying, “Nothing happened.” The moment the words left my mouth, conviction hit me. I knew I was wrong, and in an instant, the rivers of living water Jesus promised in John 7 broke through. His presence flowed from deep within me. Suddenly, I was sober. I looked at my biker friends and said, “I have to go.” I rode home that night fully sober, entirely changed, and fully aware of the true and living God who loved me and had been there all along.From that moment, everything shifted. I wasn’t afraid of dying anymore. I knew where I was going. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I was finally free to live in God’s love. My high school classmates couldn’t believe the transformation—from brainiac to biker to “Jesus freak.” But I didn’t care. I told everyone about the love of God.God led me to a church where I could grow. I devoured the Word daily, learning to hear His still, small voice. I learned to discern His voice from the others. And in those days of the Charismatic Movement, the power of God was everywhere—healings, hours of worship, and the tangible presence of the Spirit.Meanwhile, a tumor inside me that had started the size of a walnut had grown larger than a football, hard as a rock. I had lived with pain for years, but I didn’t care because I thought I’d soon be with my Heavenly Father. Then one night, while riding my motorcycle and talking to God, He spoke clearly: “Do you see in Isaiah where I said, ‘By His stripes you are healed’?” “Yes, Lord.” “Do you see in 1 Peter where I said, ‘By His wounds you were healed’?” “Yes.” He then said, “Isaiah was looking forward to the cross. Peter was looking back. I completed everything at the cross. Would you like that healing?” I halfheartedly said, “Sure, whatever.” But in that moment, something changed. Within 24 hours, the tumor that had consumed my body dissolved completely. It melted away, leaving no trace. God had saved my soul, rescued my life, and even healed my body. 

To hear more of Tom’s testimony shared on Truth, Talk & Testimonies, listen to the broadcast beginning at the 43:00-minute mark. In this segment, Tom explains, “We can’t walk in God’s authority without His anointing.” Like the Bereans in Acts 17, he encourages us to study the Word, pray, and dwell in God’s presence. What does it truly mean to be “in Christ” and fully yielded to Him? Tom also shares how God healed him from unforgiveness, along with insights into his ministry and books.

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Founder of The Christian Rebel YouTube Channel & Ministry

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Heavy responsibility and emotional pain marked your childhood. Please share about your childhood and the pressure you felt growing up. How did this affect you? 

Well, it started back in 1984. I was only 11 years old when my dad relocated his whole family to Colorado Springs, Colorado, to attend Bible college. The first year went okay. But when we moved right into town, to Colorado Springs, that’s when it started going downhill. I’m the youngest of three, and my oldest brother, Brian, had muscular dystrophy, so he couldn’t take care of himself. And my next-oldest brother, Pat, got involved in drugs, alcohol, and all kinds of stuff. So, at a young age, I had to take care of my oldest brother while my parents were away at Bible college. And my other brother was never home, so I was 11 years old, having to help my oldest brother use the bathroom, get him any food he needed, and just about anything. And there were times my other brother would come home so high that he couldn’t even take care of himself. He basically would stumble down the stairs and go to sleep. It was tough. And I felt the pressure at a young age to take care of my oldest brother because no one else did during the day. For years, I felt bitterness and resentment towards my mom, dad, and brothers. There were times even when my dad had to defend himself during fistfights between my brother Pat and him. One night, they ended up in my bedroom. My dad was holding my brother down, saying, “I love you.” And my brother would say, “I hate you.” So here I was at 10, 11, and 12, and all this was going on at home, and it was so hard at such a young age. Additionally, a doctor diagnosed me with an overactive thyroid. My heart was beating 175 times a minute when they discovered it, and at 12 years old, they told me that I might have thyroid cancer on top of everything else going on, but I thank God I didn’t have cancer, and the doctors could bring it under control with medication. My dad graduated from Bible college in 1987 or 1988, and we moved to Maine, where he got his first church. To me, this was the happiest time of my life because my brother Pat stayed in Colorado. I was glad to get away from him, so it was just me, my older brother, my mom, and my dad in Maine. The pressure was immense, but it was better, and I would take care of my oldest brother all over again if I could. 

What kind of things did you do during that hard time to try to cope? Did you use healthy coping mechanisms? How did you do that at that young age? 

I would go away and escape by going to my bedroom a lot and playing with my toys. My bedroom was my sanctuary. I would go in there and shut the door, and sometimes I would cry. I said, “God, please end this. I don’t want to be here anymore.” And, I thought about ending my life at a young age, but I didn’t dare to go through with it, thank God. You mentioned that a puppy played a surprising role in saving your life during that season of deep depression. Can you share more about that moment and how God used something so simple to bring hope?Yes. In 1989, my brother Brian, the one who had muscular dystrophy, passed away. So I was around 15 and I was in deep depression because there were times that I wasn’t nice to my brother Brian, which was wrong of me. I would look back on the past and feel sad that I didn’t do more for him, and I felt so awful when he passed that I wanted to end my life. The very day I was going to take my life, I got home from school, and there was this little puppy dog named Mason there. I ran down the hall and I said, “Mom, is this our dog?” And she said, “It’s your dog.” So I thought to myself, I have to take care of this animal now, and I couldn’t end my life. I think my mom knew how much I was struggling. The dog helped save my life, and we saved Mason’s life too because his former owner abused him. It was the owner’s wife who called my mom to ask her if she wanted a puppy. And she said, “Yes.” We saved each other’s lives. 

At one point, you had one foot in the world and one foot trying to follow Christ. How did you get to the point where you stayed solid in your walk with Jesus and completely surrendered and never looked back? 

I was flip-flopping back and forth, basically from when I graduated from high school in ‘92, for about five years. I would go to church on Sundays and then live like the rest of the world, drinking and doing some drugs. Thankfully, I didn’t get into the hard stuff because, even though I wasn’t a Christian, I knew I didn’t want to live like I was. In 1998, my dad scheduled a revival week at the church. Believe it or not, it was the same week as my birthday, and on August 13th, 1998, we had extraordinary ministers come in to share. I don’t remember the preacher’s name. I wish I did, but he preached a powerful service, and the message was about counting the cost from Luke 14. And it made me think, “Am I willing to follow Christ?” And that day, I made my first confession. I repented of my sins and began my journey with Christ, and it happened to be on my birthday. I experienced two births on my birthday. I was born and reborn. In Luke 14:26-27, it says that you must hate mother, father, brother, sister, and daughter, and even be willing to give up your own life. So that means you put Christ first. You count the cost and deny yourself. You take up your cross and follow him. Whatever that cross is, my cross was my childhood and what I went through, because I believe God can turn your mess into a message where you can help other people. And whatever that cross is, sometimes you have to embrace it because if I didn’t go through what I went through, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. 

What encouragement or practical steps would you offer to someone who wants to live boldly for Jesus, but they’re still feeling stuck? Can you give some advice or encouragement? 

Seeking guidance and help is number one. Especially over the past 5-10 years, I’ve been mentoring people and talking with them and saying, “Hey, if you need anything, give me a call.” Be a friend and an ally for them. If you’re fighting an addiction, go to someone you trust, like a friend, and say, “I need help.” And there are also recovery groups, like Celebrate Recovery. I used to go there with a friend as moral support when he was struggling with an addiction. So, seek help and guidance, and if you need to see a therapist, I recommend a Christian therapist and getting into God’s word. I use the verse Romans 12:2 for The Christian Rebel, which says, “Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Then you will be able to test and prove what God’s will is.” So when you do not conform, it means you stop doing what the rest of the world’s doing and you get into God’s word and renew your mind and pray. I came up with my channel’s name from this verse because what does a rebel do? They don’t conform, so I thought, okay, there are two ways to be a rebel. You can either rebel against God and conform to this world or rebel against this world and conform to Christ. I want people not to conform to this world anymore, but to follow Christ. And I hope that through our channels, we can help people deepen their walk with Christ.

You’re teaching and encouraging others now through The Christian Rebel YouTube channel. What is one message of truth that you believe the church and especially this next generation needs?

That you do not conform. You don’t live like the world. You deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Him. That’s the problem with this world—many people are conforming. You can search on the internet anywhere, and you can see other denominations and churches allowing sin into our churches, and they’re going along with the culture. They’re conforming to the patterns of this world, preaching false doctrines and gospels, and going along with the rest of the world. And now if the church would follow this one simple Scripture—"Do not conform"—I think it would be a whole different world because the outside world is seeing all these so-called Christians living like the world and thinking they’re a bunch of hypocrites. Now, am I perfect? No, I make mistakes. But with Christ’s help, I do my best because I want to follow Him. There’s that Scripture verse that says, “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways…” from 2 Chronicles 7:14. If we conform to Christ and follow His ways and Scripture, we will humble ourselves and repent of our sins—revival starts right here with me and with you. If we repent first and say, “God, I need your help.” I repent of my sins, and then that’s where revival starts, with us, and then we can share our message with other people—this is what Christ did for me, and He could do the same for you. 

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Pastor Mark Sowersby

These are Pastor Mark's favorite scriptures...

Pastor Mark, I read your book, Forgiving The Nightmare. It’s wonderfully written. You have a remarkable healing that God has given you, and in Forgiving The Nightmare, you describe the nightmare of abuse and suffering that you have gone through for years. Can you please share what happened in your childhood?  

I’d be honored to share it with you. And again, thank you so much. When I reached out to you, I just wanted to find places where I could lift up the name of Jesus and share the testimony of where God has brought me through. Throughout my whole testimony, I don’t have the answers, but God does. So, my testimony, unfortunately, is an ugly one because it deals with abuse and neglect. Far too many people share that same testimony. At the age of seven, my mom would marry a man 20 years her junior. He came into our home, and he would abuse me in every way, shape, and form. He would emotionally, physically, sexually, and verbally abuse me and take everything from me from the ages of 7 to 14. And all those years living through that experience, I was held down and held back and just trapped in fear, insecurity, and pain. I didn’t know any other way in those seven years. The pain was the atmosphere and oxygen that I lived in. All around me was the abuse. I didn’t know any other way. And at 14 years old, I didn’t understand why I was 14 and not 13 or 12, but something clicked inside me, and I fought back. I fought back in two ways. First of all, it was a physical way. Now, it wasn’t a Rocky Balboa moment or a Mike Tyson moment, but I pushed my attacker off me, and I fought back physically. Still, at the same time, I found somebody in my family who would stick up for me, somebody who was strong enough and who believed me. I went to this loved one, and I told them about what was happening. It was a different time, as I was part of the late 1970s and early 1980s generation. People didn’t talk about things like this, even when they were happening. You didn’t tell anybody anything or deal with it or talk about it, but it was the underbelly of many people’s stories. So, from 1977 to 1984, I was being abused. And I went to this loved one, and they protected me with their might, with their power, and with their spirit. And because of those two events, at 14, I can tell you the abuse ended. And it never came back. I was never physically abused again after being 14. The abuse stopped because of those who protected me. Now, I wish I could tell you that was the end of the story. And I could say, you know, after 14, everything was peaceful and easy, but it was just the beginning of Forgiving The Nightmare. 

How did you first come to know Christ, and how did you go from just surviving to beginning to thrive? 

Well, I found myself back at my mom’s house, and I was that kind of kid who never wanted to be home and outstayed my welcome—that kid for whom they set another plate for dinner. At the time, we were living in an apartment complex, and I spent a lot of time at the pool. I was a 15-year-old kid, and I was at the pool in the middle of the courtyard. There was a lifeguard, and I think she was about 16 years old. She asked me to go to church with her, and to be honest, I would have gone anywhere that lifeguard asked me to go. She invited me to church on a Friday or midweek night, and I walked into the church, having never experienced the charismatic, evangelical, or Pentecostal expression. I never saw hands being lifted, drums being played, and guitars being strummed. And I went in there, and the youth pastor had a mullet. It was the 80s. They explained the gospel and spoke of God’s love. I knew I wanted and needed that love, but I wasn’t sure if God loved me because I didn’t like myself. The abuse stole not just a pound of flesh but also my dignity, value, importance, and so many things emotionally and psychologically. As much as it stole the flesh and took that away, I was also confused, broken, and kind of not understanding it all, but the church poured out its love for me. And on a Friday night, not too many weeks after my first visit, one of the youths was giving me a ride home. He was cool. He had a car, and I didn’t. He asked me right there in a parking lot if I wanted to make Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, and I said what we call the sinner’s prayer. Lord, come into my heart. Forgive me of my sins. I receive you as my Savior. I said that prayer, and I was probably too young or too immature to understand the depth of the prayer that I was saying. But thank God He knew what I was saying. And then there I was, the summer when I was 15 or 16 years old. There I was in the middle of that summer. I asked Christ to become my Savior. And there, the journey began to walk with Jesus. 

Did you yearn for the peace that you felt in church?

Of course, I craved the peace, grace, and mercy. All I knew was I felt a love and an acceptance like I had never felt before. For me, the church truly became a sanctuary, and I don’t just mean that in a holy sense; I mean that in a protective sense, like a bird sanctuary or an animal sanctuary. I was there every time the church doors opened. I was there for senior adult meetings. I was even there for some of the MOPS meetings. The church doors opening meant I was there; it was a safe, accepting place where I began to learn about God, God’s love for us, and the Holy Spirit. I started studying God’s Word and grew in my faith.

Was it soon after that you realized you were being called to be a pastor?

Well, you know, any time God has called me to something, I’ve wrestled because of my insecurities, my fears, and because the shackles that were holding the lies of my past were trying to steal the hope of my future. And there I was again. I was just a young man, about 16 or 17 years old. By this time, I had become a fixture in the youth group. I attended all the pizza parties, roller skating rinks, sleep-ins, and late nights with the camping group. I was a part of this youth group because it was a part of me. And I remember the first time I raised my hands in prayer. I thought the whole world was looking at me, but there I stood before the altar, and I felt God quicken my heart and say, “Mark, you’re going to go to Bible school.” I wrestled with that because I have dyslexia and was a special education student. I usually tell people I didn’t learn how to read; I learned how to duck. My parents didn’t raise me; I made it through. So, my skills were learning how to duck and how to become that chameleon, how to fit in by being the funny kid or sports jock. I did what I did to survive. So, there I was, about 17 years old, with this call in my heart and feeling so insecure, saying, “God, you know, I don’t have the ability. I can’t read well. I can’t write well. God, how can you call me?” But God was faithful, and He called me to Bible school. Now, I wish I could tell you again I got up from that place and said, Amen. But there lay the journey, and God had a quickening in my heart, and I found myself in my early 20s. It was a few years later that I found myself at Bible college. 

When did you surrender entirely to Christ? In the book, you discuss the importance of complete surrender and forgiveness, as well as surrendering at the altar.  

Amen. And you know that process wasn’t a one-time process. That was a process that took many times of coming to the altar and allowing God to begin to crack that shell, if you will, to start speaking into my life, to begin to soften that heart of stone. And I remember that I had some people who loved me the most. And you know, sometimes people who love us and want to help don’t always give the best advice. It’s not because they’re evil or mean. It’s because they want to say something. And I remember somebody said, “Mark, if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain.” ⁣ And I thought to myself, at 16 or 17 years old, what does that mean? So there I was in my prayer closet, and I said to the Lord, "Lord, what does it mean to move a mountain? What does it mean to have faith the size of a mustard seed?" Now, today, I know it’s measured in size. But at that time, God spoke to my heart, and He said, “Mark, will you move a pebble? Can you move pebbles?” And I said, “Lord, I can move pebbles all day long. I’ll be the best pebble-moving Christian you’ve ever had, God.” I’ll move pebbles to and fro, and slowly, the pebble becomes a stone, the stone becomes a rock, the rock becomes a hill, the hill becomes a boulder, and the boulder becomes a mound, growing bigger precept by precept, inch by inch. So again, it wasn’t the first time that I ran to the altar. There were many times that I kept going to the altar and laying myself on it, saying, God, help me because I was angry—I wanted my pound of flesh—I didn’t walk on water or float in clouds. I wanted my abuser to suffer. When I thought of hell, I wanted my abuser to go there. Again, I wasn’t this perfect saint with little wings. I had feelings. I had emotion. I had things taken from me. I was angry. I had questions—Why? How? If? What? All those things were rising up in me, but at the same time, God would bring me on this journey of forgiveness. And in that journey of forgiveness, I often say I was like David. Even though I had to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Even though I had to walk out of this miracle, it still makes it a true miracle, just as much as one that happens suddenly, as much as one that unfolds over time. God helped me learn to forgive those who trespassed against me. God had to change me so that I could look at things differently. I didn’t start this journey saying, “I want to forgive the man who abused me.” I’m not that righteous or good. I started this journey by saying, “God, I want to know you. I wish to seek ye first and by knowing God, by seeking Him, He would bring me to forgiveness. I didn’t have the strength, the power, the knowledge, or probably even the heart at that time to forgive. I was angry. Someone stole something from me. There was an abuse given to me. I felt righteous in my anger. So God did. I didn’t say, “Okay, God, I’m such a good guy. Help me forgive those who abused me and raped me and stabbed me and beat me.” That’s not what I tried to do. This journey started with this kid going, “God, I want to know you. I want to know who you are. I want to know your Word. I want to know your Spirit. I want to be able to understand and grow.” And in that place, God would bring me. But again, it was seek ye first the kingdom of God. And that’s where it started. And even though I still wrestled with the flesh, and even though I still wrestled with the pain and the hurt, I was growing in God. As I grew closer to God, the things of this world began to seem strangely dim because God started to change my perspective. I saw Him first before I saw the hurt and the pain. God became louder. God became greater. His words became louder than hate. His love became sweeter than sorrow. However, it began by seeking God first. 

How do we know when we have truly forgiven and released the unforgiveness to Christ? 

Sure. And you know that’s a part of the journey, peeling the onion back one layer at a time. So, for me, it was just a straightforward step by going, “God, I’m giving it to you.” There are three things I want to share with you that I’ve learned about forgiveness. I always believed that forgiveness meant forgiving and forgetting, letting it go, and not making a mountain out of a molehill—let it go. The first thing I realized was that forgiveness is not the same as approval. Just because you say you forgive somebody doesn’t mean you’re approving of what they’ve done. You’re not accepting it; you’re not supporting it. You could still say, “What you’ve done was wrong, evil, and sinful against the law, and what happened is wrong.” I disapprove of it. I don’t accept it. I don’t want it. But yet, I can still forgive you for it. That’s the first thing I realized. The second thing I learned is that forgiveness isn’t a one-time event. God’s mercies are new every morning. And I realized that for me, forgiveness is that way. And the Lord’s Prayer says what? Help us forgive those who trespass against us. Before that, He says, Lord, give us this day our daily bread and help us forgive those who trespass against us. So, I believe that daily is for both things: the daily bread and daily forgiveness. And also the last thing I learned is a harder one. I learned I can have my boundaries. You know, those who have wounded me, I realized I could have boundaries to say, "You know what, I don’t have to have kumbaya moments." I could love them. I could give them to Christ. I could put them under the blood. I could say, Lord, they’re in your hands. I don’t have to put my head back in the lion’s mouth. You know, I can have healthy boundaries.

You shared in your book that unforgiveness not only affects us but also affects those around us because we often displace our anger and feelings onto them. Can you explain that?  

Sure. Let me unpack that with you for a few minutes. First of all, I’ll tell you one thing God had to do in my life was, again, as I said earlier, he had to change my perspective. And the way God did that is I’ll go back to when we were teenagers. When we were teenagers, we didn’t have a million channels to choose from. We didn’t have the phones in our hands. You know, I’m a Gen-Xer. So, you know, I drank water from a hose, and I came in when the streetlights were off. Mom didn’t know how to call you, but she always knew how to reach you. I remember being in high school in the early 80s; we only had PBS. And in our area, it was called Channel 2. And at Channel 2, our PBS station, Bob Ross, the painter. Everybody knows Bob Ross, and in half an hour, in my untrained eyes, he would paint a masterpiece. I’d be eating my bowl of cereal, coming home from school, and seeing the blank canvas become a masterpiece. At the end of almost every painting that Bob Ross did, he’d put a tree in front of the subject. So if he painted a lake or a cabin or a mountain or whatever he was painting, at almost the last two minutes of every show, he’d put a tree in front of the subject. And what he was doing, I found out years later by watching it, was changing our perspective. He was bringing the subject to life and giving it depth. He was saying the cabin is not as close as it looks now because there’s something in front of it. So it makes it look further away. And I thought about this all the time, like this old song that got caught in your head. I thought, "Lord, why am I thinking about this Bob Ross painting?" And one day, the Lord said to me, “Mark, if you put my cross in front of your hurts, if you put my cross of Calvary, my love, it’s going to put some depth. Sometimes, when we have pain and go through unforgiveness and sorrow, it’s so close that it pours out. It pours out to people, you know; it pours out to the people that we love. We think we have it hidden, but we usually have it buried under just that soft veneer, and as soon as it’s touched or we believe it’s going to get touched, we lash out, and usually, we lash out at the people who love us, but God is saying to put Him in front of that pain. Put me in front of that hurt. Put me in front of that sorrow. I’m so thankful that God has helped me change my perspective. I see Christ first. Oh, I don’t deny what I went through. I don’t deny that it’s a part of my story, a part of my narrative. It’s a part of my testimony, but it doesn’t define who I am. The worst part of my life does not have to define my life. God loves you, and he wants to set you free. He wants to give you freedom. 

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Former Secret Service Officer, a wife, mom, and Founder and President of the Hive and Hope Foundation

These are Elizabeth's favorite scriptures...

Elizabeth shared her story on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

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Before you had your precious son, Becket, your first child, you had a few challenging pregnancies. Could you share about these?

Absolutely. My husband and I got married in October 2020, and we felt the Lord tell us to start trying to grow our family in the summer of 2021, so we obeyed the Lord and got pregnant almost immediately, which was wonderful and such a blessing, and then, unfortunately, we lost that baby early on. Nobody had ever spoken to me about miscarriages or what to expect or anything, so quite honestly, I didn’t even know I was going through a miscarriage until it was over. I went to the OBGYN, and she confirmed that I had a miscarriage, and it was heartbreaking. After I got cleared by the doctors to try again, we prayed about it, and we felt peace to try again. After a few months, we got pregnant with triplets. That was a giant shock, but multiples run in my family. We were ecstatic and said, “Oh my gosh, the Lord is blessing us with a double portion." We made it almost until the second trimester, and I began cramping, and I said, “Well, there are three of them in there, so it could be normal that I’m feeling this way.” Then, I passed one of the babies at home, and immediately, I told my husband we had to go to the emergency room. Thankfully, the emergency room was less than five minutes from our house, but unfortunately, that’s where I passed my babies, and that was very hard because I knew what was happening at that point. The experience felt like a stolen promise, and it was a devastating time for us both. I had to take off of work to mourn the losses of my four babies. After losing our four kids, I would rather not try again for a while because I was afraid, traumatized, upset, and sorrowful. However, after much praying, we got cleared by the doctors. We waited a few months, tried, and then got pregnant with our son Becket. Becket was born in October 2022, and it was such a blessed pregnancy and easy—the only thing that wasn’t easy was just being paranoid and battling anxiety because of my previous losses, so of course, I was terrified. Still, I had to fight a lot of fear during that time, and the Lord spoke to me during pregnancy and gave me worship songs and scriptures and had random people from the church that I didn’t even know what happened previously come up to me and say, “This child shall live and not die.” They prophesied life over my son. I had Becket, and then about when he was five weeks old, on Thanksgiving Day of 2022, we started to notice these episodes—we didn’t know what happened or what could have caused it. Still, he began to shake uncontrollably; his eyes were fluttering, his extremities were tensing up and then shaking, and my husband and I were so scared. We had never seen anything like that before as first-time parents, so we took him to the emergency room that night.

Did they give any indication of what was going on with Becket? Did they have any idea at that point?

Unfortunately, no. The episode stopped, and Becket’s vitals looked fine, so the emergency room doctor checked him as much as he could and told us to bring him back if it happened again. They had no answers, so this began the long journey of my husband and me researching, reading, trying to see what was going on, and watching YouTube videos to try to link what happened to our son to what information could be out, to what the cause could have been.

You shared, too, that you went through postpartum depression. When did that come into play? Was that with your pregnancy with Becket?

My postpartum happened after I gave birth to Becket. I was a brand new mother and very sleep-deprived; the challenges that came with nursing and being unfamiliar with my baby started postpartum, and then Becket’s episodes drove it home and were a kind of the nail in the coffin for postpartum for me. I didn’t know what was going on with my baby, and I had no idea how to help him—he was suffering, and I had no idea what to do. 

I know that postpartum could present itself with different symptoms for different women. What were your symptoms?

I went through a lot of rage. I think that was my number one symptom, and also I had a lot of anxiety. Furthermore, I didn’t eat very much, and then other days, I overate. It was hard for me to go outside, even though I knew I needed to go outside, and I was not pleasant to be around. There’s a difference when you’re tired and sleep-deprived and all the usual things that come with having a brand new baby, but then there’s the other side where your heart is hard, and you treat people differently than you usually would. I was particularly nasty to my husband, father, and stepmother-in-law because they came from Florida to help me, and I didn’t treat them very well.

How did you become Becket’s advocate? And how did the Holy Spirit help lead and guide you and your husband as you noticed more symptoms with Becket? 

So, after the emergency room visit, we noticed he had more episodes each day. It became a daily thing and then multiple times per day, and the symptoms presented about the same as before. There was eye fluttering and tensing up of his extremities, and then there were times when it sounded like he wasn’t breathing and struggled to breathe. We took him to his former pediatrician and showed her the logs we’d written, and we had a shared note in our iPhone where we wrote down the time of the episode, the characteristics, how long they lasted, and the frequency. We also took some pictures and videos to show her, and she looked at it and said, “Oh, it looks like it might be reflux—a severe form of reflux and maybe Sandifer syndrome.” We didn’t know what Sandifer’s was, so we looked it up, and it was just like she said: it’s a symptom of a reflex where it looks like a baby is having a seizure, but it occurs after they feed. So we thought that looked like what Becket was going through, but something inside us, the Holy Spirit, told us there was more going on and wrong, and we needed to investigate it more. During this time, of course, we sought the Lord and prayed, and at this point, we tried to figure out what was wrong with our son. At times, it was difficult to hear God, even though He was constantly speaking to us—it was hard for us to hear due to our anxieties. We kept advocating for Becket. After visiting the pediatrician initially, I would send her messages on this app called My Chart and give her updates at least once a week. I was that mom because I wanted to make sure they had all the information they needed to try to help my son. Eventually, I went to the pediatrician again, and he had an episode in front of her in real-time. She looked at me and said, “This looks like it could be a seizure.” Previously, though, she was saying it could be colic; it could be the period of purple crying, which purple stands for something, but I forget what it stands for. Still, until this point, she would say other things that could be so; after she saw the episode happen, she referred us to a neurologist. About a week and a half later, we got in to see the neurologist. Still, we didn’t know that it was via Tella Health at an off-site location, so when we went into the doctor’s office and went to the back, this computer rolled in front of us, and the neurologist was through the screen, and he asked us if we could show him a video of the episodes. We put our phone up to the screen and showed him one video, and within 10 seconds, the neurologist said, “Nope, it’s not seizures—it’s reflux.” My husband and I said, “Are you sure because you only looked at it for 10 seconds?” Something was still not sitting right with us. The physician’s assistant took him at his word, and the appointment ended. At that point, my husband and I knew we needed to get an EEG done to get further information that could tell if Becket was having seizures. We had to fight and advocate with the physician's assistant for a few minutes, but she finally said okay and referred us to have an EEG done. We felt we had a victory in getting what we asked for, and a few days later, we got admitted. Becket had the EEG, but no episodes appeared within the two hours during the test. The doctors said, “Hey, he’s not having seizures—he’s fine, so continue the reflex medicines.” My husband and I looked at each other again, and we asked the doctors, “Are you sure because he didn’t even have an episode—How can you know for sure?” We respect what the doctors do and their expertise, but we are the experts of our child, and we knew that something was still wrong, and the doctor kept saying he was okay. Nick and I took our sweet son back home, and the episodes continued and worsened. I did everything I could and went on a total elimination diet or TED. I eliminated a wide range of foods, including milk, dairy, and eggs, to investigate potential effects on my son’s health, which further complicated my breastfeeding journey, as I believed my son’s milk was causing him harm. We also put him on a formula that didn’t work—he was on a bunch of reflux medications that didn’t work, and he eventually went on a specialized amino acid-based formula that also didn’t work. We were so frustrated. It was around five months of constantly going back and forth, always, My Charting his pediatricians and specialists, everybody—and I was also called a paranoid first-time mom by one of the doctors, and it made me question if I was paranoid, but the Holy Spirit kept me strong. Both Nick and I knew there was something wrong. Eventually, I went to the specialist and said, “Hey, I’m taking my son to another hospital. I don’t trust you guys because you haven’t listened to us. I’m advocating for my son and know something is very wrong." At that time, I took him to a new pediatrician in another state who is still Becket’s current pediatrician. He had an episode in front of him, and the pediatrician looked at me and said, “What are you doing? You need to take him to the emergency room right now! This is a seizure.” God used my son’s current pediatrician to confirm that everything that we were feeling, everything that we were sensing, was correct. After his current pediatrician told us this, we took him to the emergency room in another state, and they admitted him and ran a 24-hour EEG, confirming that he indeed was having seizures. With this news, it felt like the floor beneath us just broke. We knew there was something more profound wrong, but to have it confirmed by a doctor was excruciating and very upsetting, so we both cried a lot and told the neurologist that he was going to be doing a genetic swab test in our mouth to confirm and help figure out a potential cause. Hence, they did a genetic test on Becket first, and we had the results back within a week and had a phone call. The neurologist said, “Your son has a rare genetic condition that is causing his seizures called Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, or TSC, which is a condition with no cure, and it produces non-cancerous tumors to grow in various parts of your body—in your eyes, brain, kidneys, lungs, and heart." A lot of the time, TSC is also the leading genetic condition for autism, so once we heard that Becket had TSC, the neurologist asked us if they could swab me and Nick to ensure that we didn’t have it. When we got the tests back, we discovered that Nick has TSC. It’s interesting because TSC is such a broad spectrum, and Nick has never had a seizure and presents no symptoms. In contrast, Becket has uncontrollable seizures despite several anti-epileptic drugs that he’s on.

What happened at the end of 2023 that took a turn for the worse?

After doctors diagnosed Becket in May 2023, he received the necessary treatment, assistance, and therapies, and things looked good. In September, we decided to go to Minnesota to see his godparents and then, right after, go to Texas to see my mother-in-law to spend time with family. They all loved seeing him, and he had a great time being on a boat for the first time. All of a sudden, his seizures got so bad that he would have about 100 seizures per day, and although they were quick, they were frequent. It got to the point where his lips turned blue, and he stopped breathing with almost every seizure, even for a little so even though the seizures were short, they occurred so frequently that each time he stopped breathing, it was horrible for him. Nick and I laid hands on him and prayed; his godparents are strong Christians, and we were in an excellent household full of Christians who laid hands on him and worshiped around him, bringing so much peace. So, after these seizures kept occurring, we reached out to his neurologist back home via My Chart. We told her what was going on and jumped on phone calls and told them they were so bad and that Becket, Nick, and I weren’t getting any sleep because every time he was awake, he was having a seizure. After sharing this with the neurologist, she said, “You guys are going to Houston, so I know the neurosurgeon there. Maybe neurosurgery is your next step?” Becket was on a bunch of medication and a rescue medication that was strong and was supposed to stop his seizures once they met a particular criterion, but it didn’t stop them at all. We responded that we were 100% on board to talk about surgery. When we got to Houston, it was by God’s grace that we got to have an appointment with this neurosurgeon because, typically, it takes months to get on the books to meet with him. We met him within a few days of being in Houston, and he sat us down and gave us our options and said we needed to do a presurgical workup. He explained that the presurgical workup involved X, Y, and Z, and that we would likely need a two-week stay. They sent us home that day, and then Nick returned to West Virginia for work, while I chose to stay with my mother-in-law and Becket to ensure his well-being and allow for a quick return to the hospital if necessary. A lot was going on at that time. One day, while we were watching TV, Becket started to have a terrible seizure, and it lasted longer than usual. He wasn’t breathing, and the color of his face was changing. I looked at my mother-in-law and said, “We need to go to the emergency room right now!” She took us to Texas Children’s Hospital to the emergency room, and what was supposed to be a couple of days stay ended up being an almost three-month stay with a couple of emergency brain surgeries. I called Nick and told him everything, and they got us a room, and we went up to the epilepsy monitoring unit at Texas Children’s Hospital. They began the presurgical workup, which took a few weeks, and during that time, it was very lonely because Nick was back home for work—he didn’t have generous paid time off at the time and had no option to work from home. His job knew what was happening, so they tried to accommodate him as much as possible, but he still couldn’t stay with us, so it was me, the Lord, and Becket. It was isolating. After he got the presurgical workup done, he had his first brain surgery when he turned one-year-old. Nick and I were so hopeful. The whole day, Becket was in surgery, and I was a complete mess, but I tried to keep my mind busy. I walked downtown, drank much coffee, prayed, and wrote in. Then, about 8-10 hours later, I received a call that Becket was done, so I ran to the hospital, and Nick met me there after arriving at the airport. We saw Becket in the recovery room, and as soon as we walked into his room, he had a seizure. Nick and I couldn’t believe it; we thought it was a nightmare because we were so hopeful that he would be seizure-free after his surgery. The seizure was so bad that we needed to be transferred to the ICU, and as he was transferred to the ICU, his oxygen and heart rate tanked. There were several nurses there who were trying to bag him and ensure his heart rate and oxygen came back up—there were probably close to 15-20 people in the ICU room, trying to get him to breathe, so Nick and I almost lost him, and it was a tough time for us, but the doctors and nurses there are phenomenal, and they got him back to where he needed to be, but it was during that time when the neurosurgeon came up and said, “I’m so sorry—sometimes this happens. We’re going to try again; we’re going to do all the presurgical workups again, draw the labs, the MRIs, and all the scans to ensure that we can get this because something went wrong and we didn’t get what we needed to get.” He took responsibility and was humble. Dr. Howard Weiner is incredible. Nick and I were mad, upset, and scared, but God had us there for a reason, and regardless of what the journey looked like—we knew it would help many more people than our sweet son, so we stayed steadfast and partnered with Dr. Weiner and trusted it would work out. During this time, a lot of the nurses would come in to try to bag Becket with oxygen—his seizures were short but severe to the point where his oxygen would tank quickly, but then come up quickly. They would rush in to bag him because the monitor lagged, and they were bagging him when he was completely fine, so I advocated for him and said, “Hey, I understand what you’re doing. The monitors beeped, but he’s okay now.” I told the nurses this several times and let them know that I was watching him like a hawk and that I would let them know if things didn’t look good and that I understood that they were trained to do what they were doing, but as a person constantly watching him, he’s okay. That was a partnership that I needed to establish with our medical team. Fast forward, Becket got his new presurgical workup done, and then he had a second brain surgery about three weeks after his first. Nick and I were nervous wrecks—he just turned one in November. We prayed to God and told Him we trusted Him 100% with our whole hearts. We’re not going to lean on our understanding or what the doctors say, even though God uses medicine and doctors, and it’s an incredible blessing. However, we understand that His Word is final; His Word states that we are healed by His stripes. We kept declaring scripture over him and worshiping. We had other people from other churches that I didn’t even know come by and pray over us, visitors who gave us food, gift cards, and coffee. I lived off of coffee—I still do, but especially back then. Becket had his second brain surgery, and when he came out, he was babbling and laughing and being his silly self and wanted to eat, which was incredible. We were excited. Becket was seizure free for about six months, and then, unfortunately, his seizures came back last Easter. It has been an incredible journey with our sweet Becket. His seizures aren’t as bad as they were before surgery, which is such a blessing that he’s stable and still on medication, but he’s advancing so much. He’s almost two and a half, about to walk, babbling a lot, and has a few words under his belt, and he’s such a fantastic kid. We are still on this journey but strongly believe in the Lord. The Lord was and is so close to us; we have unshakable hope in Him.

Elizabeth Brown is the Founder and President of the Hive and Hope Foundation, whose mission is to improve the quality of life and bring hope to children with complex special needs and their families affected by critical illnesses, genetic conditions, and epilepsy. 

Debi Rutkowski

Former nurse, group leader of Delighting in the Lord women's ministry, and involved with the cancer support and healthcare ministries at Calvary Chapel of Chester Springs, PA. A wife, mother of six, and soon-to-be grandmother of eleven to Stan’s family.

These are Debi's favorite scriptures that have ministered to her during life challenges.

Debi shared her testimony on Truth, Talk & Testimonies

When did you come to know the Lord?

I was 21 years old when I accepted the Lord into my life. I was actually at a Keith Green memorial concert that his wife, Melody, was organizing around the country after he tragically passed in a plane accident with their two children. My mom’s Bible study group was praying for me and was taking a bus to go down, so they asked if I wanted to go along. Reluctantly, I would say I went along because I knew about Christianity and thought that “I’m not going to be one of them.”. So, we went to the concert, and I was curious about Melody Green because I couldn’t believe that it had been about three to six months since she had lost her husband and two children. I wondered how she could share this and talk about the Lord after she’s gone through that and must still be hurting so much. That pulled at my heart the whole time when she was talking; I was thinking, “Wow, there’s something to this, you know?” That day, the Lord made me stand up because in my heart, when they were giving the alter call, in my heart, I was struggling and didn’t want to stand up because my mom’s going to be crying and all over me and everything–That’s what was in my head. Still, my heart was pounding, and I knew God was calling. I’ve always said that it must have been an angel that came over there and stood me up because the next thing I knew, I was standing up. After I gave my life to Christ, I went to the back, and they gave me information and the Lord took me from that point and took me to different churches and different friends that I would meet—He helped me to mature along the way. 

Your testimony is about the goodness of God, and you have gone through so many things. What are some things that you have gone through?

Well, some things were from my life choices, and others were just like—everybody has those things. We all go through hard times. But I was pregnant and unmarried at sixteen and had my daughter Erica, and soon after, I got pregnant again and, unfortunately, had an abortion and married her father. It was not a good relationship and was abusive many times, and our marriage didn’t last long. We got divorced, and I was a single mom for seven years, so those were tough times, and then the Lord brought me my husband, Stanley.

When I was a single mom, I had a wonderful couple who took me under their wing, and Esther picked me out of the crowd at church. I don’t know if they saw me coming in with my two kids or what, but she was always good at listening to the Lord. He must have sent her because she and her husband were incredible to me. Esther found a nursing school in Norristown, PA, for licensed practical nursing to start and see what God does. I called the nursing school and was told that they had a waiting list, and eight people were on it, but they said they would call me when a spot was available. Not even a week later, she called me—that was the Lord. The next hurdle was how to pay for it because I was on welfare at the time as a single mom. The director said, “I think there’s a program for single mothers to get educated,” she encouraged me to talk to my caseworker, and she gave me the program’s name and got me approved for it. It was the Lord because it paid for everything, allowing me to continue my education and become a registered nurse. I went to Montgomery County and completed the program; the program paid for everything, including my gas and daycare. It was the Lord’s hand in that whole thing to take care of me and watch over me—His goodness.

When I went to college later on to become a registered nurse, Esther and her husband would have me over for dinner once per week and make me go upstairs and take a nap, and when I woke up, we would have dinner together. They would pray over me, read the Word, do some little devotion or something, and then send me on my way home to get the kids. Her husband would change the oil in my car and even taught me stuff like that. They were a blessing in my life, and then there were so many other people in the church I was going to where Andy and Esther went; the church came alongside me, and there was a mechanic at the church who would fix my car and inspect it for nothing. That’s all God’s hand; He cared for me and His goodness. 

I met my husband, Stan, when we were around thirty-two, and I had two children—my daughter Erica and my son Jared. So I was single all that time and met Stan at a Christian coffeehouse, and we were both on staff there, and God started working on our hearts, and it was three months later we were married—we just knew He wanted us together and it was something divine. We then had four children together and have been through many painful things together. It was hard at first as a blended family to mesh everything together, and there were some areas we needed to work out with my outside family, too; there were issues we needed to work out. 

Doctors diagnosed my husband with a muscle autoimmune disease about ten years into our marriage. He’s a carpenter, and suddenly, he started noticing he was feeling weak and exhausted and would lose his balance sometimes. He’s been under treatment for that and stable for about twenty years now. Later in our marriage, doctors diagnosed Stan with prostate cancer, and in 2008, doctors diagnosed me with pancreatic cancer—a neuroendocrine tumor. It’s a rare type of cancer, and it’s slow growing—it will never go away unless the Lord heals me, but it’s metastatic now, and it is active at this point but very slow growing. So I’m just under surveillance, and the doctors are watching. I’ve had different treatments over the years. We’ll see how it works out this time. 

I could see the Lord’s goodness through the body of Christ. So many people came alongside us when we were struggling with one diagnosis after the next. We had a growing family when Stan worked in the Carpenters Union. I remember 2008 was tough with the economy and the stock market dropping, and they didn’t have work at the union. The Carpenters Union laid him off for at least a year, forcing him to seek side work. This coincided with my cancer diagnosis, creating a troublesome time. All our medical costs were crazy, and I had a friend from high school who took it upon herself to organize a fundraiser for us. And it’s just like, you know, all those people coming around us and helping us. A few people gave my kids Christmas that year because we didn’t have money from work, and we would get anonymous checks in the mail, cash in an envelope, and groceries at the door. 

How do we look for the Lord’s goodness?

Sometimes, when hard things happen to you, you may tend to lean into self-pity or depression–actually, if you stay in self-pity–it will lead to depression, and then nothing good’s going to happen after that. You have to look for the Lord’s goodness in your life. Something that Esther taught me, and I used to listen to Elizabeth Elliott on the radio all the time, too, and she would always say, Go and help someone else. When you’re in a bad spot, help someone else. And I would do that, and it was such a blessing to help others—I would get blessed, but that’s God’s economy. We lay down our life like He laid down His life for us. 

Another way that the Lord brought goodness out of all the hard things, even with my abortion. I wanted to mention that in case you are out there who have had abortions and you’re keeping that secret or are in pain. I volunteered at Genesis Women’s Clinic in Pottstown, PA two years ago. God allowed me to take this horrible thing and be able to share and encourage these women that they don’t have to do this—you will regret it, and it’s an awful thing to have on your conscience. He also allowed me to run into others—even some relatives that I found out later had an abortion and some of my good friends—to let them know about the forgiveness of God. The Lord washes us white as snow when we confess our sins. And 1 John 1:9 says, He’s faithful and to cleanse us from all iniquity. When we confess our sins to Him, we’re whiter than snow, so we no longer need to carry that burden. And the Lord just always reminds me of that; even if there’s a little thought that comes into my mind about guilt—looking back at the guilt of that, the Lord has washed me clean from that, but the goodness of God is that He allows me to encourage others that you can have that forgiveness too. 

May you share about the women’s Bible studies Delighting in the Lord?

I believe they meet on Thursdays at the church and on Thursday evenings, and I think a couple of groups for working women. Still, Brenda Harris and Stacy Davis write these studies, and what I appreciated about it when I first learned about the studies when I first came to Calvary Chapel, Chester Springs, PA, after they wrote the Bible studies, was that elders and pastors go over them to make sure that they’re biblically sound. So, it was essential to me that the elders overlooked that. I’ve enjoyed everyone I’ve done so far, and I’m currently the co-facilitator with another person in our groups, so I couldn’t encourage you more to come out to that. So, we had a lesson and broke into small groups to do our homework. They’re all available on Amazon, or you can go to the Calvary Chapel, Chester Springs website and download them, print them out, and watch the simulcast from there. So, if you’re not in Pennsylvania, you can still watch them, and it’s free. Their Facebook page has their media outlets and past lessons on Google and Apple Podcasts, and you can find them on YouTube, too. 

Is there anything else God is putting on your heart to encourage others?

Do not be ashamed of your testimony. I had been ashamed of some parts of my testimony, especially about the abortion or being a single mom pregnant out of wedlock when I was younger. I felt like I was not a good enough Christian, but the Lord reminded me that He forgave and washed me and wants me to share my story to encourage others. If you have shame as I did, please give that to the Lord–it’s not Him–Satan wants us to be ashamed of who we are or what we’ve gone through, and God loves us just the way we are.  

Purchase Delighting in the Lord Women's Bible Study Workbooks on Amazon

Patsy Hahn

  Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

  And lean not on your own understanding;

  In all your ways acknowledge Him,

  And He shall direct your paths.

 Proverbs 3:5-6

Patsy shared her testimony on a Truth, Talk & Testimonies

Patsy retired, but what did you use to do?

I’ve been retired for over two years, but for 12 years before that, I owned a store in Boyertown called Patty’s Pot-pourri of Gifts. I ensured all items, including the paper bags, were made in the U.S.A. It was fun. I am retired, but I need to be retired from being retired because I’m so busy. 

How long were you married, and what happened? 

Garth and I were married for 24 years and two months. My husband was a logger, which is a lumberjack, and he went to work one morning and went into the woods alone; a huge limb from a tree from behind hit him, and he passed away immediately. 

Everyone processes grief differently, but what did you say to me that you went from shock to faith mode? What is faith mode to you? It was a shock for several months—I kept moving forward, but it was a shock, and that’s what usually happens when you lose your spouse suddenly. He left that morning; I kissed him goodbye, said we loved each other, had a little joke, and he would usually call me at lunchtime. I got a phone call at about 12:30 pm, thinking it was my husband, but his trucker found him in the woods. And he did that because as soon as it happened, they had to call the police; therefore, reporters were out, and he didn’t want me to see or hear the news on TV. They were close friends for 21 years, so it was hard.

Did you have support from your church family during this time?

Garth and I were going to church in Hamburg, PA, which was 45 minutes from our house, so they were as supportive as possible because they weren’t around the corner. Hence, it’s not like they could bring meals, although they probably could have brought me meals to church because I never missed a beat, but it was okay because they ministered to me in different ways. I had a close bond with girlfriends and family that took me in and carried me—the Lord carried me, but the Lord used them to stay with me because I lived alone in the woods—they did a lot to help me.

Patsy went from shock to face mode. What did faith mode look like to you? Can you explain?

I can explain it, but I can’t tell you what it looks like. For you, what was faith mode? I always had faith. When my husband passed, I was saved for 36 years—I got saved at the age of 25 and got married at 37, so I always had faith in Jesus Christ—He was and is my Savior—I can’t even explain it, but probably because of my personality; and everybody’s personalities are different, but I have a strong personality. So, therefore, I just took hold and went through the motions of what I had to do, and then a couple of months later, I just went into faith mode.

I trusted the Lord for everything, which I still do. I don’t worry about anything; I take it to the Lord, making my life easy. I always tell people I didn’t get this gray hair from worrying, so I fell deeper in love with the Lord, and I cried out to Him and never once asked Him why, Lord, why did you do this? I lost several family members, my mother, my father, my brother, and my sister, and I never did because, to me, when you ask why—for me, this is my conviction—you’re asking the Lord why and not trusting Him to know the plan—it’s all about the trust for me. Jeremiah 29:11 says that He has a plan for us, so I trusted Him, and years ago, when I was single, a godly woman shared with me that the Lord is your husband and will meet your every need, and I never forgot that, so when my husband died, I said, “Okay, Lord, you’re my husband again. You were on sabbatical. Now, here we are again.” This was faith mode for me. 

Can you explain how faith and trust are different? 

Faith, for me, is believing. For instance, when you accept Christ into your life, you believe. Trust, to me, is when you believe and have given Him your whole life, and you trust Him to orchestrate your whole life because He has a plan, and you trust Him and that His plan is the right plan. You don’t question Him; you go with it—the bad, the good, and the ugly—and there’s all that in life. 

Now, a group for widows started at Berean Bible Church. Can you share about this group? 

Well, before I do, I would like to share that after my husband passed away, I felt a tug to come alongside other widows. I still had my store. I would have people come in and have the opportunity to talk with them, and some would share that they recently lost their husbands, so I would speak with them. So, at first, I started to do this independently, as I felt like the Lord was calling me to do that, and that went on for a year or two. Then, I went back to Berean Bible Church because my husband and I attended there for 13 years, and when I got there, I started to minister because there were a lot of widows there that I knew for years that weren’t widows when I knew them back then, and so I independently did that. A woman in our church started the group. Still, I felt I needed to challenge her because she wasn’t a widow, so I asked her how she could run the group when she wasn’t a widow because a widow has needs that nobody knows about, and you can’t understand how you can’t understand how you lose your husband unless you’ve lost them. She’s such a godly woman that she realized that and asked me if I would be willing to take it over, and I said I would and I have somebody who helps me—another widow—and that’s what we’re doing, ministering to the widows. 

What’s the name of the group? 

The name of the church group is Hope Builders at Berean Bible Church in Pottstown, PA. I try to plan something every month and it’s always a surprise because we need this in our lives.

Before the broadcast, you share something special about your wedding ring which is connected to one of your favorite scriptures. Where did you put this scripture? 

Yes, the scripture is from Proverbs 31:11-12 

“The heart of her husband safely trusts her; 

So he will have no lack of gain. 

She does him good and not evil 

All the days of her life.”

I had this scripture engraved on my husband’s wedding band and that is now a necklace. I took it to the jeweler and had it made into a heart. Then, I had his mother’s wedding ring and put her diamond in the middle of it so I could have it close to my heart. That was very important to me, and I feel like the Lord allowed me to do that. 

Another one of your favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.”

That’s my life verse for 44 years. I trust in the Lord and know He has a plan for me. 

Do you have anything else the Holy Spirit is leading you to share to encourage others?

Yes, I have a couple of things. When my husband passed, I felt like I had a hole in my heart—that’s exactly how I felt when I went to the doctor a couple of months later; he asked me how I was doing. He also asked, “How’s your heart doing?” He didn’t know that I had lost my husband. So, I said to him, “It’s fine except for the hole in my heart.” He was thinking I meant physically, and I was talking mentally. So, over the years, I have seen God fill this pain in my heart with many blessings and opportunities to serve Him. My whole thing is that you can grieve—it’s natural to grieve—but not to wallow. Wallowing creates self-pity, and Satan loves that. Don’t let anything rob you of your joy—be positive. My husband will be gone 8 years this month—I still miss him—and I still love him. I still cry sometimes if something sets me off, but I’m going on because I tell all the windows that I speak to, they’re gone, they’re not coming back, so the Lord doesn’t want you to wallow—He wants you to go on and trust him—He has, he still has life for you and a plan for you. Cry if needed because it cleanses the soul, but don’t let anyone steal your joy. Minister to others; do things for others to shift your focus from self-pity. Give to others. When my husband passed, I didn’t want people to say, “Look at her, she trusted the Lord all those years, and then He took her husband—I wanted them to say, ‘Look at her, the Lord took her husband, and she still trusts Him.” And I want God to get the glory for this. Happiness is a choice; sometimes, we must choose it every day. Believers in Christ who lose their spouses have so many blessings. Just the fact that they have peace knowing that they’re going to see their loved ones again and peace has a big part in the grieving process. I thank God for everything. When someone says, “Oh, you lost your husband, I say, You know what? I had a wonderful husband—a wonderful life and marriage, and I thank God. I was married for only 24 years—I would say we were still on our honeymoon, but I’m blessed and thankful for everything. I have seen such a change in my life since my husband passed. God has given me things I’ve never had before, such as wisdom, grace, and more compassion, and I love my church, the people in it, and the good preaching. 

Wake up every morning and thank the Lord. I always prayed in the morning to keep my husband safe spiritually, mentally, and physically. Now, I wake up and say thank you for letting me wake up another day. We take that for granted. One day, we’re here, and then we’re not. When I wake up and make my coffee and haven’t thanked the Lord yet, I stop and say, “Lord, thank you; lead me today. Don’t let me lead you—you lead me.” If someone calls and they’re crying–that’s the agenda for the day. Be joyful and grieve as much as you need to, and the hurt of grieving will go away over time. It’s been 8 years for me. Some widows in our group have been widows for 20-30 years, and you see the difference over the years. Seasoned by experience, they’ve come to accept this as their life. Think positive and trust the Lord—we don’t know what He has planned. Trust in Him. We have hope that we’re going to see our loved ones again. 

Berean Bible Church 

Hope Builders Ministry (giving people hope after losing a spouse)

2675 High Street

Pottstown, PA 19464

Church Website: https://bereanbiblefamily.org/

Church Phone Number: 610-326-8794